Someone ...

This morning, as I lie on my bed thinking about you, I have this strong urge to grab you… because I just can’t forget about last night.

Late in the balmy night, unexpectedly, you came to me in my bed and what happened there still leaves a tingling sensation in me.
You appeared out of nowhere and shamelessly, without reservation, you laid on my naked body without guilt or humiliation.

You drove me crazy until you had sucked me dry.

Only after you were finally satisfied did I fall asleep, but today, when I woke up, you were gone.

I’ve searched for you everywhere, to no avail.

My sheets still bear witness to last night’s events, as does my body, which still shows your mark, making it that much harder to forget you.

Tonight I promise to remain awake and wait for you and as soon as you appear, I
will grab you and never let you go.

This time you won’t disappear. And I won’t rest until I squeeze the life out of you and destroy you once and for all, you damned mosquito!

M18 jokes again ...

Four old friends decided to go golfing.

During the game, one of them announced he had to go to the bathroom.

So, while he was gone, the other three started talking about their sons and what they had been doing lately.

The first man says, "My son works in a car dealership, and he's doing so well that he gave one of his best friends a brand new fully-loaded Mercedes, for free!"

The second man says, "Well, my son works in construction, and he's doing so well that he gave his friend a brand new house with electricity and plumbing for free!"

The third man says, "Well, my son works in the stockmarket, and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire portfolio, for free!"

Just then, the fourth man came back, and asked what they were talking about.

"Oh, we were just talking about our sons and what they have been doing. How is your son, what's he been doing?"

"Oh, my son is gay, and he works in a gay bar as a go-go dancer.

"The other three just stare at him weirdly.

So the fourth man says, "Oh, but I'm not worried about him. His last three boyfriends gave him a Mercedes, a house, and a stockportfolio."

M18 jokes .. dun read if u are under it !!!

Tired of boring old dog name like Ruff, Spot, Lassie, etc?

The next time you get a dog, name it: Mypenis

Why, you ask?

Well just look at some of the great excuses you can use for school, work, and general conversation!-

I did do my homework but Mypenis ate it!

-Oh no, Mypenis is frothing at the mouth!

-Sorry I'm late. I was playing with Mypenis.

-I'm sorry officer, I didn't realize I had to keep Mypenis on a leash.

-Mypenis doesn't come when I call it.

-Mypenis likes to crawl between the legs of guests.

-If Mypenis begs at the dinner table, I just tell it to LAY DOWN!

-I love giving Mypenis a bath, but Mypenis doesn't like cold water.

-At night, I like to snuggle with Mypenis.

-Mypenis likes it when people pet him.

-Mypenis needs to get more exercise. He weighs over fifty pounds!

-Playing with Mypenis really wears me out.

-Would you like to see a picture of Mypenis?

-Sometimes I wake up, and Mypenis is already active.

-I think Mypenis has a mind of its own.-I keep a picture of Mypenis in my wallet.

-Whenever I get lost, Mypenis points me in the right direction.

-I think Mypenis is getting old because he won't get excited anymore. He just plays dead.

-Mypenis got out last night. I think he's sleeping with the lady next door.

-HELP! Mypenis is lost...can you help me find him?

-Sorry to be driving slow officer, but I was looking for Mypenis.

-Sorry to be driving so fast, officer. I have to take Mypenis to the hospital.

-Mypenis got fleas from the neighbors dog.

-Anytime Mypenis gets too excited, I just scratch him behind the head.

-Please do not feed Mypenis table scraps!

-Do you think you could feed Mypenis while I'm on vacation?

-I have a cat that plays very well with Mypenis.

-When I take Mypenis for a ride in the car, I roll down the window so it can hang it's head out.











A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.


Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him!

But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"



Jokes only ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Best joke of the year XD

What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?

Stress is when wife is pregnant,

Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and

Panic is when both are pregnant. ..... ... .. .

Just a joke ... XD

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? (I love this explanation!)

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride"

AND...... For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fatand suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fatand suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wineand suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Nothing to do ... so ...

A duck walks into a feed store and asks, ''Got any duck feed?''

The clerk tells him, ''No, we don't have a market for it it so we don't carry it.''The duck says, ''Okay'' and leaves.

The next day, the duck walks in to the feed store and asks, ''Got any duck feed?''Again the clerk says no and the duck leaves.

Next day, the duck walks in, and asks, ''Got any duck feed?''

The clerk says, ''I've told you twice, we don't have duck feed, we've never had duck feed and we never will have duck feed.

If you ask me again, I'll nail your feet to the floor.''The duck leaves.

The next day, the duck walks in and asks, ''Got any nails?''

''No,'' comes the reply.

''Got any duck feed?''

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.

He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.

The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"